I Never Minded the Little Things

My personal philosophy... summarized, because if you wanted to hear all of it, you might want to get some camping gear... It would take a good week or so to explain it all without getting you lost in metaphors and similes ;)

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Rain had never really bothered me, even when on one of my daily runs. Small talk made my day better because it gave the smallest thought in my head a voice. You see wind and say Oh no! Yet when I see wind, I see an opportunity to soar to greater heights. These things are small, but perfect to me, because all in all they make me feel free.

Yes, I adore the cold shiver up my spine in the morning in the fall and winter; it lets me know that it's time to embrace the day and live. Should it be strange to you that I love the pain in my legs when I beat my shoes on the pavement, then I feel sorry for you because when I run by you and see you just standing there, you're missing out on a wonderful feeling; still, I don't mind you staring at me, for it makes me feel proud of myself.

The coo of the birds, the smell of exhaust from an eighteen wheeler, and the splash of water on my face from a passing car; yes, these things I do not mind.

Optimism is the only true way of life because without even a little bit of it, you're sure to drown in your own self pity... So smile more, embrace the sunshine... and never mind the little things that could get you down.

Keep dreaming and don't miss out on tomorrow :)

Far Away, but Still Together; poetry for when you miss the ones you love

You start your days the same,

and yet I'm not there to feel so quiet and tame.
Your love clutches my heart when I'm away,

and it makes me wish you could hold me in your arms every day.

All my lovin', I will send to you,
all tied up in a box wrapped in blue.
The dawn is breaking,
and even though my heart is aching,
I still have to leave soon,
and dream of you when I look up at the moon.

Through the darkest of nights,
No matter how far you are from my sight,
I still love you all the same,
even when I'm not there to feel so quiet and tame.

(Ily ;) )

Birthday

I realized today that now I have made it another year in this amazing life, there are. So many little things I can do now that I couldn't do before. I can catch an R rated flick without having to fake my age or ask my date to cover for me. I am closer to being an adult, which is scary enough in itself, but no matter how scary life can seem, this is the one day of the year that everything makes sense.
Yes, another year older. Seems liberating to someone as young as I, but to some, it's just another reminder that the wrinkle on their brow is deepening and the medical bills are rising. I can only imagine what I'll be like when I'm a grown, middle-aged woman... I imagine having my own private psych practice in my home, an adoring husband, and two d arlings to boot; one boy and one girl, just like the family my mother and father created. Marie Alyce and Joseph Ethan, or maybe Douglas Ethan. I've always love the second boy name because they blend my grandfathers name and my younger brothers names into a fabulous family name. Alyce for a middle name for a baby girl because of my nana. Then maybe Harvey Robert for my other grandfather.
It's nice to dream of a future like this. I couldn't ask for anything better than that (except for a house on Nantucket or the cape). College will teach me how to be the psychologist I want to be, my parents will continue to show me how to live a life that's worth living, my brother will always be there for me, and my friends will never fade away from my memory.
It is so liberating to feel closer to my dreams as I have now turned another year older. So instead of gifts wrapped in strings and colored paper, I only wish to make the rest of today and this year perfect in every which way. Rain or shine, you will never see me frown or pout or scream or shout ever again. I love my life, so I think I owe one big thank you to the two people who made it possible...

Thank you mum and dad... You're the best parents a kid could ever ask for, I love you!

"Rainy Days Are Good For This" a poem for someone special

A poem for someone special

"Rainy Days Are Good For This"

It's grey and dark everywhere you look,

the rain just doesn't want to stop,

but you and I both know what that means.
Crack open that old story book,

play that rock and roll and let's dance until we drop;

Honey this is the kind of love you have in dreams.

Smell that damp air,

as you lay next to me tousling my hair.
Feel that cool, calm breeze
as I lace my fingers around yours with care.
Kiss me tenderly when the thunder rolls,
hold me close when the lightning crashes,
because we both know that in this place,
our fears are set aside.

Play me that Jack Johnson song,
the one about sleeping in bed all day,
that one about making banana pancakes.
Wrap your arms around me when the day grows long,
guarding me with their strength and keeping my fears at bay,
and kiss me again and again to keep me wide awake.

This is the perfect day;
not too hot,
not too cold.
Just damp and dreary...
Because rainy days are good for a love like this.

"Singing Lullabyes"; a poem for my parents

This poem is in special dedication to my mother and father, because without them, my dreams would have never been realized.

"Singing Lullabyes"

'Over in Killarney, many years ago....' my mother sang to me.

'Trot trot Boston, Trot trot to Lynn, watch out honey, you might fall in!'

my father shouted as I bounced on his knee.

Every time I bruised my shin,

or even had a youthful grin,

my parents were there,

watching me fly through time feeling light as the air.

Shoe lacing,

tongue tying,

or even a really good joke makes my father a king in my eyes.

Nerve wracking,

head scratching,

or even playfully proving my mother wrong makes my father a king in my eyes.

My mother,

his gorgeous queen,

with curls about her hair that could make any woman jealous,

she is the all powerful ruler of this home we live in.

Above all others,

in my eyes she gleams,

with love about her heirs that could make anyone love her.

As I am now grown,

my parents moanat the thought of seeing their baby girl go.

It's hard to imagine those days when I was so young,

to now be grown,

doing things on my own.

So a farewell to the lullabyes,

those days well spent,

and thank you to my family

for making my life so content.

............Better Now

A few weeks ago, my days as a dreamer had seemed to be over. There were no more dreams, only night mares. It scared me because when I fell asleep, I had no one in mind to help me find my way through my dreams. I feared that nothing could save me.

In dream psychology, there is such a thing as lucid dreaming, a dream that allows part of the conscious mind to be in partial or full control over the projections being put out by the subconscious of the dreamer. Many times when this happens it means that you are not getting a restful night's sleep, but in my case, I would beg anyone with such a condition... Until now.

You see, I try to write down all of my dreams that seem to have a good start, but can never finish it's description because towards the break of day, it all turns sour. Either someone is following me in the dark of my mind or I just want to find a high place to jump from. I'm always running... but it's better now

It is from research of my own sleep that i have found that when taking away sleep aids and adding positive life experiences that happen during waking hours to my memory, those memories imprint into those dark places hidden in my subconscious and shed light.

Recently, I have had one of the most positive life experiences and couldn't have hoped for anything better than what I have found. Head over heals for someone who I met by pure chance. How could this have happened to someone like me? My research, my notes, my time... all wasted because the answer to a perfect dream.... is love. Love is the answer to most every problem within one's life.

Webster defines love as so;

love/ləv/

Noun: An intense feeling of deep affection: "their love for their country".

Verb: Feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone)

 

Yes, the verb seems more meaningful in the state of mid that I am currently in, so in order to further my research as to how such person positively effects my dreams, I plan on pursuing this relationship and finding a way to spend every moment thinking of him... so in English (not in big psychology words), I'm better now because of him.

 

Thank you dear :)

Freedom within thyself is earned by yourself

A bit of self discovery can open your eyes to a whole new world and beginnings. We start out this journey young, and continue on through the ages, but as we age, we can lose sight of the freedoms that we once had as a child. Simple things like riding your bike across town or eating pizza and drinking soda. We put so many restrictions on our own lifestyle as we age that we bound ourselves to believing in those fru-fru magazine articles, TV ads, and Internet sights that tell you "your not good enough."

Let me tell you something, my little dreamers. It's not the media or your peers or those nasty on lookers that are to blame; it's you. You're to blame for being bound to believing in that garbage because you CHOSE to believe it. You made the unconscious decision to take those things to heart, then consciously you became upset by it and wrapped your life's meaning around it.

The problem with this is that your making yourself a bubble of self pity, holding up a sign that says "I have no self confidence." This is your kick in the butt.This is me waking you up saying that you need to exit that horrible bubble and enter into the real world, where people will respect you more if you respect yourself.

First things first, dust off what ever anyone said about you before, look yourself in the mirror, and pretend that you're telling off those horrible people; this will not only take a load off of your chest, but you won't hurt anyone in the process.

Next, find somethings that you can do on your own, like running, walking, or biking. Getting out and doing physical activities by yourself is not only good for your health, but will help you to become an strong, independent person whose personal outlook is better than ever made before. If you can do these things on your own, then you're on your way to becoming the person you've always wanted to be; strong, confident, and not to mention fit!

Finally, you must learn that not all things in life are bad. You can keep blaming yourself for the bad things that you had done and see past the good, or you can take the higher road and see that life is meaningful! You're an important person! If you dwell on the past, you'll stay there and you will never move forward in any aspect of your life.

That means you won't find a date (because you can't stop thinking about your ex), you won't ever win a race (because you can't stop replaying your collapse on the sidelines in your head), or you can't make the grade (because you can't stop thinking about how you failed before). All of these things will haunt you unless you learn to face them head on, explain to yourself that you're better than before, and that it will never happen again!

I didn't make this stuff up, it's real. This is how I got my life in check. Baby steps, little dreamers. Soon you'll all be on your way to making dreams of your own...

Enjoy life and accept the freedom that is within thyself!

Teenagers are strange, but I've seen worse...

There are often complaints from adults that teenagers "never have their heads on straight" or "we're always up to no good."

So let me lighten the load for you, my fellow teens and assure you that there are worse things in this world than getting busted for streaking in the park late at night... Really, REALLY, dumb things... laugh laugh laugh, but please do not attempt, you will go to jail.

1) A young criminal walked into a bank and quietly handed the teller a note demanding several thousand dollars. Disguised, the man could have easily gotten away. However, he had idiotically written the note on a piece of his own stationery; it included his full name and address.

2) One guy who did just that got arrested because he texted the message over his cell phone. (idiot)

3) A 14-year-old eighth grader from Omaha set off a bomb in his kitchen—a bomb he built himself from PVC pipe, explosive powder, batteries, an a model rocket ignitor while his grandfather, evidently completely ignorant of what his grandson was doing “over by the stove.”

4) 16 year old boy kills his parents over Halo 3. After sister Heidi called 911, Daniel fled in the family van, where police found him—the video game on the seat beside him!

These were the more PG stories, but a message to all parents who think that their kids are bad kids for staying out late (but actually coming home) and who vandilize... just get that kid to a therapist, who will tell him to cut the crap, and love your child! They just want your attention! If you turn your back for too long, the love is gone, and so respect for you or anyone else... No love at home + bad social life= criminal.

Now, I'm not blaming the parents of those who do these stupids things, but please be mindful of your child's actions. It's not neglect if you can't feel comfortable asking, it's just that you haven't the heart to force your child to face their problems, so in this case, therapy is the best option.

Television, movies, all of those things may also explain for such behavior, but still, be mindful of your child's life. Teenagers are dumb, but don't let them be criminally stupid like the kids in the stories above... I have my head on straight, so let's try to end the stereotyping of "all teenagers are up to no good" and make the older generations believe that we are good, mature people. After all, we're the generation right behind them.

Enjoying The Best Of What We Have

Another poem/song, written by your's truly.
In dedication to the one who makes my heart flutter every time he has me in his arms.

This one is for you...

You say you're going far away,

but tomorrow won't take what we have today.

Laying on the couch,

watching the stars outside colide,

wishing we could be like that;
just floating up in the air with no one to answer to.

Baby I don't even know what you're thinking
but everytime I look into your eyes,
I see all your fears and doubts subside.
You say we ain't got too much time,
so let's go for a ride and see love from the outside.

We're just looking in on what we've got
and the hours we have to work with,
but for you,
60 minutes or less is worth it.
Heaven forbid I never see you again
Because like or not I like you more than a friend...

Baby I don't even know whay you're thinking

but everytime I look into your eyes,

I feel all the tears well up,

my heart stops beating,

and for a moment or two...

I feel in love with you.....

You say you're going far away,

but tomorrow won't take what we have today.

The song is in the works, but I should have a tune for it very soon... It will be simple, but still meaningful. Thank you to everyone who has been keeping up with my blog!

Rock and Roll, take me away

It's one of the greatest genres of music that have shaped my life into what it is now. Rock music has been my motivational music, love music, BBQ music, you name it. So heres to all the great rock musicians who have made my life great!

To Steven Tyler of Aerosmith, who made getting ready for a date easier; "Walk This Way" made me confident with who I am as a young woman and "Rag Doll" is just my personal go-get-em' favorite. You are a man with wonderful talent and I thank you for your music.

To Nic Cester of Jet, your song "Are You Gunna Be My Girl" is my theme song. Big black boots and long brown hair... Nough said;)

To Adam Lavine of Maroon 5, you're good looks and charming lyrics saved me from so many bad break ups. "She Will Be Loved" and "Misery" helped me realize that no one is too good for me and that things like love are worth waiting up for. Thank you, you're such a babe.

To Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam, you're lyrics are so soothing and the sounds of the band take me away to breath taking areas such as the white mountains, long stretches of highway, and the grand canyon. Pure poetry, and it's beautiful. Thank you, sir, you're amazing.

I could rattle off more, but these four men have influence my life in such a way that I take their lyrics to heart. Keep on rocking it out boys, 'cuz I'm loving every minute of it<3

My First Kiss, Memories, and other tales from the back of my head...

Today's topic is memories; those things we cherish in the back of our minds that remain quiet until conjured up for one reason or another. I love to remember things from my childhood, especially my first kiss. I received my first peck young; 5 years old to be exact, but I can remember that day so clearly.

Kindergarten, best year of school. Sunny, spring day, and I was wearing my favorite pair of Oshkosh brand overalls with a blue and white stripped shirt underneath (Mom and dad loved those JCPenny sales on kid's clothes). It was nothing more than a child's crush, but none the less was still marked as one of the best day's in my life!

He wore a tonka truck shirt (typical boy!), blue jeans, and keds (everyone either wore keds shoes or sketchers light-up bottoms-- oh yes, we all remember them! those shoes were the coolest part about being 5!). It was 'quiet time' after recess, and we were playing pretend house (the game when you 'marry' your best male friend and live in a 4x4 cardboard box and that's your home for the next 30 minutes). In the middle of our game, I said "quick! look over your shoulder! There is something there!"

He faced me again and I planted the kiss. A peck, because when your five, you don't know how to kiss a person any other way. He kissed my cheek and I turned the brightest red when the teacher saw the incident take place. We both sat in time out together, holding hands, and said "we're going to be best friends forever!"
Sadly, we're no longer as close as we were, but when we see each other, we enjoy a good laugh about that day.

Memories are the most precious things a person can own. My best memories are the ones I tuck away in the back of my mind and dream on them. When we dream of those fond memories, we're reliving them. And who wouldn't want to relive days like your first time learning how to ride a bike!? Or your first date! Oh, such fond memories!

However, since we're talking about the past, I would like to bring us back to the present and what your doing now will effect those memories. Let me put it to you this way, if you die tomorrow, what will you want to be remembered for? Your wit? Your Charm? Or your good looks? See, I don't fear forgetting things; I fear people who have impacted my life in the past will forget about me. We all fear death in a big way, but in a bigger way, we fret about the life that we've lived.

I used to be a very self conscious person (between the ages of 5 and 13). Never really fit in because I wasn't the prettiest or the smartest girl (but personality wise, I considered myself to be a really nice girl).

Through out my elementary school years, I was tortured by the girls who had it made (if making big it in your first five years of school even happens? I mean, they were referred to as 'princesses' by there mommy's and daddy's! and boy, did they take that to heart); best looks, grades, etc.

Then, on our 5th grade graduation day, I came home to a surprise from my parents. My new bedroom was done! When they gathered around me to hug me, I almost cried. I remembered then in that moment how much I was already loved, and that to them... I was good as was.

Now that I'm getting ready to start my next transition in life (college, see last post if you wanna hear a funny story about my SAT's!), I only fear that the friends who helped me gain such confidence through out the years will fade into the future as we find our ways. It is inevitable that some will leave and won't be seen for a while, but to those whom hold a special place in my heart, they will never be to far away.

That same group of girls who I'm proud to call my sisters. The friends who I first shook hands with when we were still reading "hooked on phonics" books and trying to figured out the difference between 2+1 and 2x1. Yes, those wonderful friends who picked me up when I had fallen, and the ones who I would risk my life for. My sisters, confidants, therapists, mentors... I love them all.

And the boys in my life who made me tough as nails, I'm proud to call my brothers (including my own, Ethan). Those guys who taught me how to take a punch and deliver one, how to never back down from the good fight, how to hold on to what you believe in, and that quitting was never an option.

Today's lesson: never let go of that which has made you stronger.

Always remember to cherish, love, and protect those memories, because like time, they could just slip away.

Lessons Learned and More to Come

So here I am, looking at all of the colleges that I'm looking into on my computer, and then it hits me... Life as I know it will all be altered in less then a year from now; college visits tend to have that effect on a young student such as myself.

The way I see it is that soon everything will make sense, and my future will fall into place... right?

NO.

We all wish it was that easy, don't we. It's a process, not an automatic reset on your life. First, you have to consider your major (that was easy, psychology and sports management, want to be the best coach I can some day). Second, you have to know which college is best for you and your area of study (Keene, Franklin Pierce, Merrimack, St. A's). Third, making the trip to see these colleges and know which one suits you best. Last, but not least, the most terrifying part is applying. Some of you have known me to be an excelent writer, but when it comes to writing something that has to do with the future of my education, that's when it tends to come out sloppy.

For example (and please don't make the same mistake!) I was going into the SAT's, thinking I would breeze right through that 25 minute essay... And what did I end up doing instead? Brainstorming the prompt for 10 minutes, setting up the first two paragraphs for 10 minutes (I mean, come on! In a class room setting I'd be done by now!), and the rest, well... Let's just say I rambled on about how Dicky Eklund's immorale persona was somehow relatable to that of Osama Bin Ladin's (okay, cut me some slack, it was early and there was a thunderstorm that broke away most of my attention... and I was watching "The Fighter" while studying the night before, so Dicky was on the brain).

The point of all this is that it feels like it's getting harder to breath! Life seems so short now, and that degree seems even further away as the pressure of just getting into college seems as difficult as finding Bigfoot! So who's with me? We're only so young for so long, and this freedom that we have won't last forever. We should soak it all in before we're blown away with the wind.

This is the part where you have an epiphany, take a deep breath, and relax...

It will all be okay once you figure out that the fun doesn't have to stop just because you're education is going to go beyond what you learned in High School.

Hearts and Thoughts NEVER fade away

In light of recent events that have taken place, I have come to the realization that somethings in life are worth praying for. You wait around your whole life, thinking that nothing will ever change unless you make it happen. That's just it! You have to take that leap of faith and know that no matter how far that leap will take you, you'll end up somewhere on the other side of that rainbow... So I have written a poem, one of many that I shall write, this one having been inspired by an old flame and the fact that somethings will never change.

Rapids~~~
Love is ridiculously blinding;
it takes focus and time to understand,
while it takes away the rest of the focus and time you have in your life.

It's like trying to swim to the other side of a river with rapids;
you crave that which is on the other side,
but doubt that you'll make it out alive.

I can see you on the other side,
but you're too busy trying to find your own way out of the woods.
You can't see that I'm drowning.
You can't help me because you fear that you'll drown too and be swept of your path to finding your own way.
I'm not worried about drowning in these waters,
but worry that I will fade away with the current and be forgotten by you.

Love is dangerous, but if it means breaking the water's surface,
then I will strive and hold on to the rocks that keep me wishing,
waiting,
and praying you'll look over your shoulder long enough to realize I need saving.

Long enough to realize that we'll only make it out alive if we stay together.
I'm trying to swim through these deathly waters,
screaming for you,
my love,
but you can't hear me.

So let the rapids of love call you out,
begging you to jump in and save what was once ignored.
No matter where the river takes us,
we're both in it for the same reason...
For each other.

~For my "Guardian Angel", who held me in my dreams and inspired me to do so much more with my life... I love you, and always praying for you and always thinking of you. <3